The diary of Draco Malfoy
by The Fourth Deathly Hallow
Summary: Draco is madly in love with Harry. Harry likes Draco, but he is in love with someone else. Draco is heartbroken over it and trust everything to his diary.
1. Chapter 1

Tuesday 22 may 2012

_Wow, seriously wow. What do I hate myself sometimes. For not being able to let go. For trying to keep what I want. Or need. And nobody that can change it. He can't, I can't. Certainly not Crabbe or Goyle. I made new friends and tried to concentrate on other things. Not that it helped. I would have liked it if it had. _

_The potions project was disastrous. Really disastrous. Before that I felt reasonably good. Barely saw or spoke to him. The absence I felt the whole year started to ease down a bit. Of course most of my day was all him. But it started to become less and less. En then there was the potions project. Almost constantly near me, the searching, the eye contact. Our conversations in class. Involving me in the making of the potions, showing me what we had to do next. Delightful. To hear his voice again. Actually talking to me. But it strengthened the feeling of absence. A lot. At the end of the project I was almost depressed. We'll look each other in the eye one more time and then what we started to build up again will be gone. _

_My thoughts are circles. Not daring to talk to him about it there isn't any new information and I keep thinking the same. He doesn't like me anymore. I am a burden. I am often annoying or mean and it is because of that. I'm getting tired because of me. And the constant searching. Until yesterday. How exactly we came to it I don't remember. I was telling him my habits concerning him. The searching, finding, pretending that I don't know he is walking or standing there. Then there was my acknowledgement that I was still in love with him. He didn't understand, he had made it so hard for me. It was because of that he ignored me and why he said that an 'owl friendship' isn't worth a thing for him. He does like me. He thinks I'm sweet. I am no burden. Hoping, no, assuming that these are really his motives. If this too turns out to be false I'll really fall to pieces. I need it for him to like me. And sweet. Because in spite of everything I still look up to him the same way when I first met him. I still think he is very smart, he is very sweet. Now that I know that he acted the way he did was because he tried to help me get rid of the 'why he and not me' feeling, that only got worse. There were moments where I wanted to kill him. But as soon as he did react to me again that apparent hate melted like snow in the sun. That I could let go of course. I just miss those moments in which I felt like I could take on the entire world. As if I was really important, special even! I haven't felt like that in over a year. Now my goal is smaller. I just want to be friends with him again. Nothing less, nothing more. Okay I do want more. But for now that won't be possible. I screwed up back then and now I have to wait and hope and hope and hope that I will ever get a chance again. I can't imagine it. So I'll just stay alone forever. This morning and last evening I just wanted to crawl away in the darkest corner of my room and never come out of it again. But yeah, you have to. Everyone expects you to go to your lessons, come out of the common room. Have fun with your friends and play Quidditch once in a while. When I get back after my lessons, I'll get right back to bed. Unless Hedwig is by my window with a note from him. Oh wow.. He is already more important than my first necessities. This is so going wrong. I just want him to hold me for once and tell me it is all going to be alright. And that I actually believe it. That in that moment it really feels as if everything is going to be alright. As if there isn't more pain and scorn waiting around the corner. That I just feel safe. Is that too much to ask? _


	2. Chapter 2

Tuesday 29 may 2012

_For starters, I can't be alone. In the sense of living my life alone. I'm just not able to. I need someone to help me live this life. To help me. To support me. To comfort me. In the past your parents did this. Then I let Harry do that more and more, at least that is how I felt it. And still. After all the pain my friendship with him has cost me, I go or actually want to go to him first thing. Hoping he supports and comforts me. But that is not fair to him. He already does that for someone else. For him. For George. I really am a horrible friend. I only demand attention, attention, attention and attention and when I don't get enough or in time then I feel rejected and unnecessary. I am unnecessary, don't get me wrong. He has everything he needs. Also without me. I am an extra. And not really a nice one. I am always sulky and I can't stop talking about anything. Or let anything go. I always have to win discussions and I have a complete meltdown at least once a week so I am short on my sleep again. And I still blame everything on being 'Lovesick'. While I am the one who did everything wrong. Screwed up all the chances. Been way to clingy. And now whining and complaining again. That's the only thing I am really good at. A typical bitch. Whining, complaining and always put the fault at someone else. The bitch like God created it. But still I don't want to deny my pain. It regularly hurts physically. Everything about me, my mood mostly, depends on him. I always woke up full of willpower and temperament or fury that helped me through the day. At the end of the day I was broken, tired and crying. This morning I woke up with the same broken feeling as the one I always went to sleep with. I am starting to get all numb inside again. I am broken again. I don't care anymore. I will tell him that he has to live his life and that he should just forget me. I deserve the pain that I will get again. It is all my own fault anyway. I have to feel what I have done._

_I wish he was here now. That he could read this and be scared because of everything I feel. That he would try to comfort me. Unless he had all see it coming from such a complainer as me. Then he would only say 'okay' and leave again. But I don't want to lose him. He is so important to me. I wouldn't survive that.. But if he told me that it would be better if we weren't friends anymore… Well then I guess I have to. He doesn't have to know how much it would hurt me. He has the right to have a full and happy life. A right what I lost a long time ago. He should forget me. I am not worth it to be remembered. _


End file.
